Paralysis

They say that fear awakens the soul, allowing them to experience greater horizons. However, they fail to mention that this can only occur if the host allows it. Because fear can also demobilize you, causing you to tremble in the very footsteps you once walked with confidence. It can force you to see the worst in people, constantly questioning alternative motives that are merely creations of your all too pessimistic mind. I used to think of myself as an optimist because I was incessantly reassuring my peers that "everything would work out." However, through some brutal self realization, I have come to the realization that I am an optimist for others, yet a pessimist towards my own dreams. This may seem silly to some, placing more faith in others than oneself, because only you know what you are capable of, but I assure you it is very real, and can force your dreams into dissipation before they can even have the chance to materialize. Fear has paralyzed me, making it impossible for me to even attempt to flourish, yet leaving me questioning why I am not succeeding. I have so many kind words and encouragement for others, but slander myself on the daily. Whenever I accomplish something, I am assured that it wasn't because of hard work or talent, but merely chance-or someone else's mentoring, or the weather, or God, or anything or anyone other than myself. And the crazy thing is, deeply buried in the darkest crevices of my mind, I am terrified of what may happen if I actually were to succeed. Succeeding means change, and I have come to realize change is something that terrifies me to the very core; something I dread even more than the sound of Christmas music before Thanksgiving (Which thanks to San Tan Village mall, I had the painful pleasure of experiencing just last night, November 15th, just in case you're wondering.) Something must change and I am fully prepared to undertake that task. So today, on the 16th of November, I have decided to put full faith in every decision, dream, or aspiration that may surface over the next year. I will not halt for any excuses, from myself or others, of why I will not able to succeed, and instead set an impetus for the rest of my life. Today, I am choosing myself over others, not out of selfishness, but instead out of the necessity to give the life I have dreamt of for so long a chance of materializing. For if I do not believe in myself, then who will?