Dear Class of 2015

            Everyday as I walk around campus, I am amazed at just how many people are texting and walking, completely oblivious to their surroundings. Then I reflect upon myself, and realize that I too often succumb to my cell phone while walking to class. It is enthralling to me that in today’s world, we cannot spend a mere four minutes in the fresh air without feeling as though we are missing something urgent in cyberspace. As a society, we fail to realize that what we are missing is right in front of our noses, however. We are missing the chance to smile at a stranger, and possibly set the impetus for a new friendship. We are missing the chance to lend a helping hand to someone in need, and possibly make his or her day. We are missing the chance to interact with one another, because we are too busy sending a trivial text or checking Twitter. Is this really more important than living? Fully living? If everyone in our student body were to simply drop their cell phones where they were, and strike up a conversation with the person they were stalking on Twitter, we would find ourselves forming real relationships with real people. We would find ourselves having real conversations, and making real memories, perhaps. As we spend our time “Direct Messaging” back and forth, however, we are only kidding ourselves. We are engaging in a false sense of contact, and a false, immediate satisfaction that this person is our friend, and will always be there for us; even though, we have only ever met them online. It’s ludicrous.
            As high school comes to a close, we are constantly searching for a way to ensure we won’t regret our last few months. Maybe this can be accomplished through focusing on the now, and living for today. Maybe the push away from technology and towards reflection needs to come from surrounding ourselves with new people and living a life interesting enough to not want to take a vacation in a world of cyberspace. Maybe by taking the time we spend on our cell phones and redirecting it towards pursuing interesting people, traveling interesting places, and simply engaging in interesting conversations, we can build lives that do not require distractions. We can build lives in which we see technology and social media as a needless aberration instead of a way of life. By truly investing in ourselves, instead of our online personas, we will discover the people we are meant to be upon graduation, instead of the people we wish we‘d become.

           

           

           

            

Clothed in Strength and Dignity

"You had to be stronger." The words ring in my head like sirens one after the other, each one more painful than the last. You put the weight of the world on my shoulders, when you should have made me feel at home. Instead of being complimented on the freckle in my eye or my childish laugh, you ravished me as a lion would its next meal. Is that was I was to you? No more than a piece of meat, satisfying your hunger just until you moved on to your next victim? Oh but I had to be stronger, you said. I wanted you to give me the affection I so deeply desired; to notice the small things, discover my flaws, and love me anyways. Instead, you took my flaws and exploited them to be used to your advantage. But I had to be stronger, you said. Well I say bullshit. I say bullshit to girls constantly being blamed for a man's lack of restraint. I say bullshit to men being portrayed as victims of their sexual desires, and their inability to control them. I say bullshit to women feeling the necessity to fulfill these desires, just because a man feels that as a man, he is entitled. I say bullshit to being taken advantage of and pressured, because I should possess the strength to say no; and no again, and again, and oh wait, once more. I say bullshit to men not finding the strength within themselves to say no. I say bullshit to my role in a relationship requiring all will power and strength, while his requires nothing but falling victim to his sexual stereotypes. But I should've been stronger, he says.. And I say, thanks to you, I am.

Paralysis

They say that fear awakens the soul, allowing them to experience greater horizons. However, they fail to mention that this can only occur if the host allows it. Because fear can also demobilize you, causing you to tremble in the very footsteps you once walked with confidence. It can force you to see the worst in people, constantly questioning alternative motives that are merely creations of your all too pessimistic mind. I used to think of myself as an optimist because I was incessantly reassuring my peers that "everything would work out." However, through some brutal self realization, I have come to the realization that I am an optimist for others, yet a pessimist towards my own dreams. This may seem silly to some, placing more faith in others than oneself, because only you know what you are capable of, but I assure you it is very real, and can force your dreams into dissipation before they can even have the chance to materialize. Fear has paralyzed me, making it impossible for me to even attempt to flourish, yet leaving me questioning why I am not succeeding. I have so many kind words and encouragement for others, but slander myself on the daily. Whenever I accomplish something, I am assured that it wasn't because of hard work or talent, but merely chance-or someone else's mentoring, or the weather, or God, or anything or anyone other than myself. And the crazy thing is, deeply buried in the darkest crevices of my mind, I am terrified of what may happen if I actually were to succeed. Succeeding means change, and I have come to realize change is something that terrifies me to the very core; something I dread even more than the sound of Christmas music before Thanksgiving (Which thanks to San Tan Village mall, I had the painful pleasure of experiencing just last night, November 15th, just in case you're wondering.) Something must change and I am fully prepared to undertake that task. So today, on the 16th of November, I have decided to put full faith in every decision, dream, or aspiration that may surface over the next year. I will not halt for any excuses, from myself or others, of why I will not able to succeed, and instead set an impetus for the rest of my life. Today, I am choosing myself over others, not out of selfishness, but instead out of the necessity to give the life I have dreamt of for so long a chance of materializing. For if I do not believe in myself, then who will?

Breakthrough

Sometimes, it is quite refreshing to take a step back and reevaluate the pastimes you indulge in while your life is quickly slipping out of your grasp. Will the activities that you currently believe are of the utmost importance matter ten years from now? No? Don't bother. Will the people you think are essential to your well being still be there for you after college, a husband, and a couple kids? No? Don't waste your time. How about your precious social standing at your high school? No? Don't think twice about it. However, how will that party that you attend affect your future? How about the kids you hang out with? Do they point you in a positive direction, or are they constantly hindering you from achieving your goals? Do the activities you are partaking in represent the person in which you so desperately crave to become? When life seems to become a haze, and you are unsure of where to turn, take a step back, and remember who you are and where you want to be, because I promise you it will make a world of a difference. It certainly did in my life.

Lost and found

I'm at war with myself and it seems to be creating catastrophes unparalleled by any world war in any history textbook. It's so hard to find yourself in a world with so many people pulling you in so many different directions that all seem to be righteous, yet all prove themselves to cause heartache and pain. And it's not only myself I am hurting, but those around me that I love and care about also. In a world with too many beautiful lies and ugly truths it can be so easy to be lost, yet so hard to be found, and that is an agonizing thought. When finding yourself becomes less of a soul search and more of a suicide mission, that's when I realize it's time to grit my teeth and push through, because in time the only thing I'll be left with is the person I've become. And I am determined to make her someone I can be proud of. 

You're Mistaken, My Dear

You look at your mistakes as if they are the end of the world. As if life itself has come to a dead halt because of one accidental, or intentional misstep. As if they controlled every ounce of your future and as if they erase all the positive attributions you've made to the lives around you. You look at mistakes as if they are encompassed in the devil's wrath.. but what if they are really drenched in God's grace? Everything happens for a reason, and I promise you mistakes are included. They shape you into the person you are meant to be, and allow you to shed light on others through the testimony they lend you. Without mistakes, it would be impossible for you to relate to, or influence, or change the lives of the people around you. People thrive on mistakes, because they are the one thing every single human being on this earth has in common; We are irreparably broken. And I thank God for this. This brokenness is the driving force that brings so many people together on Sunday mornings, and so many people closer to enlightenment. They allow us to better ourselves, others, and the world around us. Mistakes are absolutely imperative to our human race, because they are the constant reminder to search, find, and indulge in God's grace. 

The art of passing time

Tick tock tick tock. The hours pass by and you wonder just how many you have left. All these wasted hours on hobbies that leave you feeling empty inside and you wonder, what makes me tick? What is the driving force behind my existence, and when will my clock seize to strike? In what hour and what minute and what second will my clock stop just as abruptly as it started, and what happens if I am not ready? What happens if I have dreams left to dream and wishes to wish and places to see? What happens then? What if I fail to say goodbye to loved ones, or what if I fail to say I love you at all? What happens then? Everyone is so focused on the hustle and bustle of the busy streets, so busy honking and driving and cursing.. They forget to stop and be mesmerized by the blurring of the colors as the cars speed by. They neglect to notice the fading colors on the rickety old coffee shop they love. They simply cannot swim in their favorite river and feel the sweet serendipity of the cold water engulfing them. They run past the roses on the sidewalk, forgetting entirely how the smell reminded them of their mother's perfume, sweet and welcoming.  They are in too much of a hurry to move on to the next stage, or the next chapter, or the next city that they simply forget the most important aspect of this life. TO LIVE. The clock is constantly ticking, and eventually it will seize. I hope and pray that when your clock seizes, you are amidst people, hobbies, and places you love, because in the end you're the one left with your own unhappiness. And in the end, you are the only one to blame. 

A note to me, from me

This is a note to me from me. This is a note telling myself to be happy. To pursue happy people. To go happy places. To do happy things. To do what makes me happy because I matter. I am essential to this life, and life would be forever changed without me. My worth is immeasurable, unimaginable, and incalculable, because it is infinite. A piece of this world would be gone without me. It would be a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece. It would be a smile with a gaping hole. Always there. Always apparent, even if I am not. I may not always be noticed, but my presence stretches beyond that. Someone's knowledge of my presence does not contribute to my happiness. I control my own happiness. The people, places, and things in which I pursue control my happiness. I will never question my worth, because someday everyone else will come to realize it too. But you wanna know the beautiful part of this philosophy? It won't matter to me that my presence has been noticed, or appreciated, because I know that I am worth the world, and that is all that matters. This is a note to me from me to be happy. Because I deserve it. 

Legendary

The words are carrying me far far away.. Past the streets of the towns that embody my failures and countless mistakes. I can see them all flying away now with every turning page. The characters are leaping off the page and dancing into my body. They're snaking through my bloodstream and filling the void in my heart that has been present since I can remember. I want to be those characters. I want to be wonderfully daring and adventurous and wanted. I want to be sought after, craved even. I want someone to not be able to bear the thought of me disappearing. Because one day I will disappear.. And if no one is there to remember you, who's to say you were even alive? Who's to say it wasn't  all a 100 year old nightmare? What's the point of living, if there is no legacy to be left? I want to be a character in a book, because no matter what, their legacy lives on. It is documented, set in stone, and undebatable. I want my presence in this world to be remembered and cherished. And better yet, I want to be so legendary in this world that no one would dare forget my name. 

Songs of Nostalgia

As I'm hearing the noises of your guitar drown out my sorrows, a wave a childhood nostalgia overwhelms me. It's all coming back, and I just want you to keep playing and playing so that the memories will continue to play like my old favorite song. The waves are coming, overwhelming me, and I feel as if I'm drowning, yet this time in serenity and I don't want it to stop. I remember long drives to kindergarten that were filled to the brim with math problems invisibly drawn on the back of your seat with my itty bitty finger. I remember gas station stops for the yellow Gatorade because it was our favorite. I remember the countless days  I made you late for work because I wanted one more push on the swingset or one more boat to be drawn, and then later colored by me. I remember yelling that yellow meant slow down every time you sped through a light to get me to school on time. I remember tinker bell dresses, and running through the sprinklers with you on the morning of the first day of school. I remember moms scowl as she found us sopping wet in the front lawn, and your half smile and shrug. But above all, I distinctly remember the idolization I felt towards you at such an early age, and it's bewildering, yet not,  that although it seems that everything is different, that is the one thing that has, and always will remain the same.

Misguided dreams

Dreams are a perpetually complex topic. From the day you are born, your parents express their expectations for you, and society expresses their expectations for you, and you choose friends who reflect your parents expectations that soon start to become your expectations. You become accustomed to these expectations and they soon start to dictate your life. They become your own expecations. And these expectations morph into your life dreams. And then you're starting to picture your life when you're all grown up and you picture the hopes and dreams that your parents were unable to achieve. They are not your hopes. They are not your expectations. And they are most certainly not your dreams. They are your parents unfulfilled desires. They are what they wished they would've accomplished at your age, but failed. They cope with their failures by watching you exceed at what they were unable to. So the real question is, how are you expected to carve your own path, when it is completely covered in the overgrown vegetation and debris of your parents failures? Whack them away, that's how. Start afresh. Go to some deserted island and find yourself, because happiness is not achieved by making your parents proud, but instead making yourself proud of the person you've become. 

Road to liberation

Drive. Drive all your worries back to the deep depths of the ocean. Drive all your insecurities into a grave never to be dug up again. Drive all your jealousies into the cave full of hungry lions and watch as they are eaten alive. Drive until all seems right in the world. Drive until your thoughts are clear as a Colorado stream or drive until your thoughts are murkier than a Florida swamp. Drive until the endless blue skies are swallowed by a fury of orange fire. Drive until that orange fire is engulfed by an endless night. Drive and drive and drive. Drive your life away if you please because even if you're driving in circles, it's sure as hell better than sitting still. 

Gone

Stupid girl. You think by deserting your morals you will be accepted. You think that by engaging in haunting past times you will achieve happiness. You think that by gaining acceptance you will also gain a feeling of accomplishment. Stupid girl. Your new life is leaving you numb to the people around you. You have surrounded yourself with people who pretend to care, yet have lead you to a barren wasteland that you consider your life. Stupid girl. You think that's happiness? You've slipped through a black tube away from the light that blinded you, and fled to an eternal darkness that covers all your woes. There's no rescuing you now. You're too far gone. And it's just too bad that by the time you've got it all figured out, I'll be gone.