It's been a while

I have not written for myself in a very long while. At first, I just couldn't seem to find anything worthwhile to write about. Then, I found myself drowning in this ideal that my thoughts were not important enough to be written down; that somehow, my thoughts were not valid enough to be heard. All too often, our voices are silenced, and all too often, they are silenced by the pettiest people and the pettiest events. For some, all it takes is someone to express their disinterest in what they have to say. Others were explicitly told that their words didn't matter. And others still, simply were never able to find their voice from the start. A couple months ago, I wasn't entirely sure what silenced me, or rather, I was not ready to confront the real reason behind it. In reflection, I was silenced by a boy that liked to take advantage. A boy may seem like a very silly reason to desert the person you spent eighteen years becoming, but he had a way of making it seem so appealing. Suddenly everything I thought myself to be was thrown to the wayside. It changed me. I was no longer the person I had always been, but instead a product of the person he wanted me to be.  I started to question my self worth, my charisma, my character. And then, when I realized everything I thought I believed in had been tainted by my misguided actions, my thoughts suddenly began to seem petty, and my voice less significant, less worthy. I wish I was able to say that I didn't let a boy take away one of my most valuable attributes, and I wish I wasn't here writing for the first time in a year and a half... But I am, and I think I'm stronger because of it. I'm here to say that while I lost my voice for a long while, that I'm working on finding it again. Partly, because I have people in my life that consistently remind me that I am worthwhile, and partly because I'm beginning to believe it again, too. So here's to new beginnings and breaking the silence. I'm ready to be heard.

Dear Class of 2015

            Everyday as I walk around campus, I am amazed at just how many people are texting and walking, completely oblivious to their surroundings. Then I reflect upon myself, and realize that I too often succumb to my cell phone while walking to class. It is enthralling to me that in today’s world, we cannot spend a mere four minutes in the fresh air without feeling as though we are missing something urgent in cyberspace. As a society, we fail to realize that what we are missing is right in front of our noses, however. We are missing the chance to smile at a stranger, and possibly set the impetus for a new friendship. We are missing the chance to lend a helping hand to someone in need, and possibly make his or her day. We are missing the chance to interact with one another, because we are too busy sending a trivial text or checking Twitter. Is this really more important than living? Fully living? If everyone in our student body were to simply drop their cell phones where they were, and strike up a conversation with the person they were stalking on Twitter, we would find ourselves forming real relationships with real people. We would find ourselves having real conversations, and making real memories, perhaps. As we spend our time “Direct Messaging” back and forth, however, we are only kidding ourselves. We are engaging in a false sense of contact, and a false, immediate satisfaction that this person is our friend, and will always be there for us; even though, we have only ever met them online. It’s ludicrous.
            As high school comes to a close, we are constantly searching for a way to ensure we won’t regret our last few months. Maybe this can be accomplished through focusing on the now, and living for today. Maybe the push away from technology and towards reflection needs to come from surrounding ourselves with new people and living a life interesting enough to not want to take a vacation in a world of cyberspace. Maybe by taking the time we spend on our cell phones and redirecting it towards pursuing interesting people, traveling interesting places, and simply engaging in interesting conversations, we can build lives that do not require distractions. We can build lives in which we see technology and social media as a needless aberration instead of a way of life. By truly investing in ourselves, instead of our online personas, we will discover the people we are meant to be upon graduation, instead of the people we wish we‘d become.

           

           

           

            

Clothed in Strength and Dignity

"You had to be stronger." The words ring in my head like sirens one after the other, each one more painful than the last. You put the weight of the world on my shoulders, when you should have made me feel at home. Instead of being complimented on the freckle in my eye or my childish laugh, you ravished me as a lion would its next meal. Is that was I was to you? No more than a piece of meat, satisfying your hunger just until you moved on to your next victim? Oh but I had to be stronger, you said. I wanted you to give me the affection I so deeply desired; to notice the small things, discover my flaws, and love me anyways. Instead, you took my flaws and exploited them to be used to your advantage. But I had to be stronger, you said. Well I say bullshit. I say bullshit to girls constantly being blamed for a man's lack of restraint. I say bullshit to men being portrayed as victims of their sexual desires, and their inability to control them. I say bullshit to women feeling the necessity to fulfill these desires, just because a man feels that as a man, he is entitled. I say bullshit to being taken advantage of and pressured, because I should possess the strength to say no; and no again, and again, and oh wait, once more. I say bullshit to men not finding the strength within themselves to say no. I say bullshit to my role in a relationship requiring all will power and strength, while his requires nothing but falling victim to his sexual stereotypes. But I should've been stronger, he says.. And I say, thanks to you, I am.

Paralysis

They say that fear awakens the soul, allowing them to experience greater horizons. However, they fail to mention that this can only occur if the host allows it. Because fear can also demobilize you, causing you to tremble in the very footsteps you once walked with confidence. It can force you to see the worst in people, constantly questioning alternative motives that are merely creations of your all too pessimistic mind. I used to think of myself as an optimist because I was incessantly reassuring my peers that "everything would work out." However, through some brutal self realization, I have come to the realization that I am an optimist for others, yet a pessimist towards my own dreams. This may seem silly to some, placing more faith in others than oneself, because only you know what you are capable of, but I assure you it is very real, and can force your dreams into dissipation before they can even have the chance to materialize. Fear has paralyzed me, making it impossible for me to even attempt to flourish, yet leaving me questioning why I am not succeeding. I have so many kind words and encouragement for others, but slander myself on the daily. Whenever I accomplish something, I am assured that it wasn't because of hard work or talent, but merely chance-or someone else's mentoring, or the weather, or God, or anything or anyone other than myself. And the crazy thing is, deeply buried in the darkest crevices of my mind, I am terrified of what may happen if I actually were to succeed. Succeeding means change, and I have come to realize change is something that terrifies me to the very core; something I dread even more than the sound of Christmas music before Thanksgiving (Which thanks to San Tan Village mall, I had the painful pleasure of experiencing just last night, November 15th, just in case you're wondering.) Something must change and I am fully prepared to undertake that task. So today, on the 16th of November, I have decided to put full faith in every decision, dream, or aspiration that may surface over the next year. I will not halt for any excuses, from myself or others, of why I will not able to succeed, and instead set an impetus for the rest of my life. Today, I am choosing myself over others, not out of selfishness, but instead out of the necessity to give the life I have dreamt of for so long a chance of materializing. For if I do not believe in myself, then who will?

Breakthrough

Sometimes, it is quite refreshing to take a step back and reevaluate the pastimes you indulge in while your life is quickly slipping out of your grasp. Will the activities that you currently believe are of the utmost importance matter ten years from now? No? Don't bother. Will the people you think are essential to your well being still be there for you after college, a husband, and a couple kids? No? Don't waste your time. How about your precious social standing at your high school? No? Don't think twice about it. However, how will that party that you attend affect your future? How about the kids you hang out with? Do they point you in a positive direction, or are they constantly hindering you from achieving your goals? Do the activities you are partaking in represent the person in which you so desperately crave to become? When life seems to become a haze, and you are unsure of where to turn, take a step back, and remember who you are and where you want to be, because I promise you it will make a world of a difference. It certainly did in my life.

Lost and found

I'm at war with myself and it seems to be creating catastrophes unparalleled by any world war in any history textbook. It's so hard to find yourself in a world with so many people pulling you in so many different directions that all seem to be righteous, yet all prove themselves to cause heartache and pain. And it's not only myself I am hurting, but those around me that I love and care about also. In a world with too many beautiful lies and ugly truths it can be so easy to be lost, yet so hard to be found, and that is an agonizing thought. When finding yourself becomes less of a soul search and more of a suicide mission, that's when I realize it's time to grit my teeth and push through, because in time the only thing I'll be left with is the person I've become. And I am determined to make her someone I can be proud of. 

You're Mistaken, My Dear

You look at your mistakes as if they are the end of the world. As if life itself has come to a dead halt because of one accidental, or intentional misstep. As if they controlled every ounce of your future and as if they erase all the positive attributions you've made to the lives around you. You look at mistakes as if they are encompassed in the devil's wrath.. but what if they are really drenched in God's grace? Everything happens for a reason, and I promise you mistakes are included. They shape you into the person you are meant to be, and allow you to shed light on others through the testimony they lend you. Without mistakes, it would be impossible for you to relate to, or influence, or change the lives of the people around you. People thrive on mistakes, because they are the one thing every single human being on this earth has in common; We are irreparably broken. And I thank God for this. This brokenness is the driving force that brings so many people together on Sunday mornings, and so many people closer to enlightenment. They allow us to better ourselves, others, and the world around us. Mistakes are absolutely imperative to our human race, because they are the constant reminder to search, find, and indulge in God's grace.